You’re Not a Freak.

Are you ever worried that your most secret thoughts and fantasies aren’t normal? Let me tell you a little secret, Girlfriends. Working in an adult toy boutique has taught me more about human sexuality than most of the articles and books I’ve read over the past thirty-odd years on the subject; and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is that there is no such thing as “normal” when it comes to libidos. If “normal” libido equals “the average” libido, I still haven’t found one. The variety of desires and expectations are practically limitless. I’ve witnessed a gaggle of giggly school teachers make a beeline for the BDSM wall at work … and not leave empty-handed. I’ve seen a tatted-up biker actually blush at the sight of a realistic vibrator.

If “a normal” libido equals “the average” libido, I still haven’t found one. 

Please trust me on this one. I’ve discussed sex with people of all adult life stages, races, religions, genders, orientations, occupations, identities, and proclivities. And while quite a few of the men, women, and couples that I meet are already educated about the products and gizmos they want (thank you, Google), the majority are overwhelmed by all of their choices and earnestly want to be more informed about the specifics of toy options, lubrication options, sexual positions, arousal enhancements, erotic massage, which how-to books are most informative, and on and on the list goes.

I’ve discussed sex with people of all adult life stages, races, religions, genders, orientations, occupations, identities, and proclivities.

When I was only fifteen years old, I was desperately struggling with guilt and anxiety about my own level of sexual awareness. Especially as a girl. Especially as a not-grown-up girl. I was terribly afraid of being labeled as a weirdo, or even worse, as a sex freak. I was even more desperate to know that these labels wouldn’t turn out to be true. That’s a truly terrifying place to be.

Thanks be to God, the first truly informative literature on sexuality that I was able to slyly get my hands on was my own mother’s copy of Nancy Friday’s  My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies. It was a compilation filled with the thoughts and fantasies of a vast array of women, both young and old, presented with neither shame nor blame.

When I was only fifteen years old  … I was awfully afraid of being labeled as a weirdo, or even worse, as a sex freak. I was even more desperate to know that these labels wouldn’t turn out to be true. That’s a truly terrifying place to be.

The fantasies therein ranged from innocuous Earth Mother scenarios (well, these fantasies were collected in the late sixties and early seventies after all) to stories of seduction with a zoo as its backdrop — which I recall completely threw me for a loop as it conjured in my mind’s eye the dank and curious smells of our local zoo’s claustrophobic snake house. This perplexity notwithstanding, reading about this plethora from regular ol’ Janes given without shame or blame made me realize that my thoughts weren’t any more fanciful or all that different from lots of other women’s sexual thoughts. What a relief! It would not be hyperbolic to declare that this groundbreaking compilation rescued my emotional well-being.

You’re not a freak. But if you wanna be, Girl, let it fly!

Happily years later, I no longer struggle with guilt or anxiety about my sexual awareness. Well actually, I pretty much no longer struggle with guilt or anxiety about sexual anything. As a natural extrovert inclined to wear my heart on my sleeve, I’ve not taken this journey alone. I’ve consulted with friends, professionals, pastors, and priests whom I’ve admired and trusted. I’ve learned to fully embrace my female sexuality and grown to love my body and the God-given pleasure it brings me and my beloved spice …  in all of its wonder and freakishness. Because as they say, knowledge is power. 

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If sex for you is complicated by feelings of guilt or anxiety, please do not struggle alone. I encourage you to reach out to your most trusted friend and test the waters about sharing your concerns with them. If you’ve no one to confide in, please consider contacting an objective, professional personal confidante or an adult sexuality and pleasure educator such as myself to speak with. All sessions are completely confidential and a Confidentiality Agreement is available upon request.

 

Dear Exhausted Mom,

 

Do you ever forget to take care of yourself in the midst of all your exhaustion? Or do you feel selfish if you try to take care of yourself? If so, you are not alone. As women, we are constantly conditioned by society, media, and even family and friends that our most transcendent goal is that of Nurturer. And when we become mothers, this cultural expectation is exponentially exaggerated.

As women, we are constantly conditioned by society, media, and even family and friends that our most transcendent goal is that of Nurturer.

This is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. The role of Nurturer is wonderful and supremely important — in fact it is crucial to the survival of our species! Problems arise when Nurturers forget to care for themselves. Always doing, giving, and caring for others can be seriously exhausting both physically and emotionally.

But, I don’t have to tell you that; however, I do want to remind you that self-care is essential to maintaining your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I may not need to tell you that either, but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded. Trying to keep up with society’s expectations of “The Woman Who Can Do It All,” women tend to overload themselves with responsibilities, in turn getting overwhelmed as we struggle to meet everyone’s expectations, even the unrealistic ones.

…women tend to overload themselves with responsibilities, in turn getting overwhelmed as they struggle to meet everyone’s expectations…

Speaking of expectations… are you setting sensible expectations for yourself? It’s imperative that we realize that there is only so much a human being can accomplish in the course of a day, week, month … a lifetime. What does your To-do list look like and how practical is it?  Trying to keep up with unrealistic expectations, even only the ones we set for ourselves, can make us feel like we’re hamsters desperately spinning our little legs off on our exercise wheels but getting nowhere. It’s difficult to celebrate even small tasks well-done because we see it stacked against the tasks yet to complete. This is a desperate and exhausting cycle.

If we don’t take the time to replenish our own inner resources, we won’t have the energy to properly care for others.

The bottom line is this: we can’t take care of other people when our own inner lives are in turmoil. If we don’t take the time to replenish our own inner resources, we won’t have the energy to properly care for others. Taking care of ourselves makes us mentally and emotionally stronger, which is always a good thing. Giving love, care, and support is a wonderful and even noble goal, providing we learn to love, care, and support ourselves.

With love from your fellow mom,

Clan Allen circa 2012.

What is Intimacy and Relationship Coaching?

What is Intimacy and Relationship Coaching?

Similar to life coaching, intimacy and relationship coaching is a process that aims to assist clients by helping them to identify, work towards, and achieve their personal and/or relationship goals. Unlike a general life coach who may assist their client with organizational skills or weight loss, a coach who focuses on intimacy and relationships specializes in the more intimate areas of love, passion, partnerships, and, yes, sex. It is the coach’s role to help the client clearly identify and consciously work through any challenges in order to guide and encourage them towards the personal growth they desire.

… love, passion, partnerships, and, yes, sex.

Why Would I Want to Hire an Intimacy and Relationship Coach?

Some clients may already have complete clarity and a solid understanding of exactly what it is they desire; they simply need a little encouragement or accountability along their journey. Here, coaching skills provide the tools they need to get there. Others might not know for sure exactly what it is they want in terms of their intimate relationships, only that they want more.  A professional relationship coach is skilled in asking effective questions that can help their clients have a better understanding of their own relationship objectives. Still other clients may be struggling with specific challenges in their personal lives or relationships which are keeping them from the goals or outcomes they want; again, it is the coach’s role to help the client clearly identify and consciously work through these roadblocks in order to guide and encourage them towards the personal growth they aspire to.

A professional relationship coach is skilled in asking effective questions that can help their clients have a better understanding of their own relationship objectives.

Isn’t Intimacy and Relationship Coaching Just Therapy?

No. Intimacy and relationship coaches do not work with clients on past-based issues or traumas. Intimacy and relationship coaches are neither sexologists nor psychotherapists. Most coaching clients are healthy, successful people from all walks of life who are likely just a bit stuck or simply want to add new dimensions to their love lives and want the support of a coach to do so. Therapy assumes patients are broken creatures in need of fixing. Whereas coaching assumes that clients are whole, resilient beings who are simply in need of a supportive advocate.

…  my role is to listen with a trained ear, and without judgement, before discussing potential approaches and encouraging you towards achieving your own sensuous desires.

Couldn’t I Just Talk to my Best Friend Instead of Hiring a Coach?

Of course you can; but, best friends are seldom trained in the same areas of intimate relationships. Rarely are best friends able to offer truly objective insights about your love and/or sex life. It isn’t unusual for friends to fear their honest opinions may hurt your feelings, or worse, jeopardize your friendship.  In a client-coach relationship, you as the client, are in charge. You set your own goals. You set the coaching session(s) agenda.  You make your own decisions. The coach may offer potential approaches, discuss available options, and encourage outside resources, but the client is always ultimately responsible for their own life and actions. A well-trained coach has the appropriate tools to guide their client, but not the power to make a client do anything they themselves do not choose to do, and an authentic coach does not have any hidden agendas.

In a client-coach relationship, you as the client, are in charge.