Christ’s Love vs. the Church’s Condemnation of His Children

It isn’t a secret that I have a difficult time reconciling my love for Jesus Christ, as well as His undying love for us, with the hellfire and brimstone teachings we often grow up hearing from pulpits across the nation. Let’s face it, it was Christ Himself who beautifully and brazenly pissed off all the church leaders of his day by drinkin’ too much, standing by an adulteress, befriending a tax collector, and hobnobbin’ and loving all the wrong sorta folks.

I’m baffled by the centuries of pernicious shame that mainstream church teaching has sown among millions of Christian followers in light of verses such as John 3:17. “For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.” And yet, so many church-goers seem to take a perverse delight in condemning their fellow followers of Christ.

It seems so easy for some Christians to write off those Christians who are drinkers, queer, divorced, adulterers, fornicators, smokers, lapsed, questioning, or … you name it. But aren’t these the self-same people that Christ died for on Calvary? I’m grateful to God that He did not write off those of us who sin (Greek,  ἁμαρτία, ας, ἡ, hamartia, meaning “to miss the mark”).

Perhaps this is why Jesus made it clear that we should be concerned with our own faults, not our neighbors’ faults, when he said, “You hypocrite! First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). He always made it clear that judging was to be done by the Father since “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

With His help, may I never be the one to cast the first stone. (John, chapter 8).

artwork by Bobby Shaw

When Honesty is NOT the Best Policy

Of course, I always promote honest and open communication in every relationship, especially the one you have with your committed, loving partner. That said, you may be surprised to find me promoting the idea that honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to the bedroom, and I’ll explain why.

When Honesty IS Necessary in the Bedroom

If you want to enjoy your best possible sex with your partner, YES, you should be honest about your needs and boundaries. For example, “I need more clitoral stimulation, Baby.” or “Anal sex is a hard no for me.”

When talking with your partner about their body, you can always be honest without being cruel. For example, if your partner’s penis is smaller than what you may find most aesthetically pleasing, but you do enjoy how it makes you feel, then be honest by complementing what you do like instead of what you don’t like — especially because bodies are not easily changed. Rather than lying and saying, “You’re so huge!” [they know their penis isn’t huge and they’ll know you’re not being honest], say something true like, ‘I love the way your [your word for his penis] makes me feel.” Focus on what you like and enjoy about their body, not what you find lacking.

When Honesty is NOT Necessary in the Bedroom

The simple truth is that honesty is almost always necessary in the bedroom. It will be up to you and your partner to decide if you want to be completely transparent about your past relationships. If you have had a non-recurring STI, experimented with same-sex coitus, or been with multiple partners, you and your partner may want to keep “the past” in the past. But your current relationship with each other should be open, but not every single detail needs to be shared. One example could be that you had really passionate sex with a previous lover; frankly, better than the sex you are currently having with your loved one. Keep it to yourself. You don’t need to share the down and dirty details with the loving partner now in your life. Rather, suggest ramping up the passion with new positions or techniques. Here’s another example: you have a sex dream about their best friend. There’s no need to share this, especially if you know it will hurt them. You aren’t morally responsible for your dreams. Of course, if you’re consciously and seriously considering having sex with their best friend, you need to re-evaluate your relationship and would do well to speak with a licensed couples counselor or therapist.

5 Types of Intimacy Necessary to a Successful, Loving, Sexual Relationship

Couple having a video conference over the internet

 

When clients come to me looking for a better sex life with their partner, one of the first questions I always ask is, “How is your intimacy together?” All too often we are quick to equate intimacy with sex, meaning penetrative sex itself. But, what is intimacy really? Intimacy, in and of itself, is simply closeness. And although an intimate relationship is commonly thought of as a romantic or sexual relationship, it may also be a non-sexual relationship that involves your family, friends, or even close acquaintances, and includes deep affection or love.

When a couple, especially a long-term partnership or marriage, feel otherwise close but are having difficulty maintaining — or even beginning — a strong and satisfying sexual relationship, a lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom may be an issue. Relationships that lack intimacy are destined to wither and even die.

So what types of intimacy can we experience with our partners and loved ones? Making a concerted effort to collectively foster the following four types of intimacy may greatly boost your fifth type of intimacy, and that is physical (sexual/romantic) intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy – Genuine conversation and open communication are key components of healthy emotional intimacy in any relationship you may experience, but especially romantic relationships. Being supportive of your partner, honoring your partner, listening to, and sharing love and understanding all build emotional intimacy.

Intellectual Intimacy – Loving partnerships typically involve a meeting of both minds as well as hearts. Certainly learning new skills and information together can count towards intellectual intimacy, but actually holding harmonious beliefs and ideals count greatly. Being intellectual equals is very important in solidifying and maintaining strong intimacy with your mate.

Experiential Intimacy – Shared experiences promote intimacy in partnerships. If your partner is an avid rock climber, you don’t have to start climbing with them, but finding common pursuits or activities that you both enjoy doing together will help foster your experiential intimacy. Date nights are an easy way to share intimate experiences.

Spiritual Intimacy – Having a shared belief system or faith is often noted as one of the most important [key] factors for maintaining lasting relationships. It’s important to have a unified and commitment that is fairly equal if you want to keep your spiritual intimacy strong. If you and your partner do not consider yourselves as “religious” in nature, simply acknowledging that your [capital-R] Relationship is “bigger than the individuals involved,” can show you acknowledge it as an intangible and important reality worthy of honor and respect.

All four of these forms of intimacy create close connections and promote strong commitments between partners.  While some forms of intimacy may be more crucial to one partner than the other, nurturing familiarity with one another can increase sexual attraction and foster closer physical intimacy.

Learn more about intimacy by watching my video, How Intimacy Strengthens Relationships.

An Introduction to Temperature Play [an o.school streaming webinar]

Creating heightened sensory experiences through temperature play can be extremely erotic if done properly.

In this previously recorded webinar stream, sex educator Micki Allen gives an intro to temperature play.

Temperature play is when you introduce a bit of heat or cold into your sexual activities. It can be a form of foreplay or the main event, as experiencing various temperatures can help heighten your senses and “get your body in the mood and receptive to your lover’s touch,” says Allen.

Help for Now-Adult Children of Divorce

If you witnessed divorce as a child yourself, you may have seen things you shouldn’t have seen, heard things you shouldn’t have heard, had to bear burdens children should never have to bear.

According to US statistics, most of us witnessed divorced as children¹; and not only that, but many of us as current adults, are dealing with divorces of our own.

• The Good News: Current trends show divorce rates falling.
• The Bad News: Reports show this phenomenon is due to decreasing marriage rates².
• The Sad Fact: Divorce, with exception to domestic violence, drastically harms children emotionally, mentally, and financially.³

How were you expected to model your own marriage?

There is no denying that the effects of our parents’ divorces have been carried into our own adult lives. Those of us who witnessed the bitterness of divorce likely chose one of three choices: never marry ourselves, marry and stick with our marriage no matter what, or marry and see divorce as a likely option if our relationship soured.

What can be done for you now?

Are you currently in one of these scenarios? Perhaps you needn’t be. Micki Allen Coaching offers a safe space for healing, growing, and moving forward with positive actions that can help you prepare for the relationship you desire or in your current relationship that you want to keep. Contact Micki today.

 

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¹,³National Affairs, The Evolution of Divorce. “Since 1974, about 1 million children per year have seen their parents divorce…”.

²USA Today, “Add divorce to the list of things Millennials are killing“.

What if You Stopped Praying that God Would “Fix” Your Husband? [a guest post by Arrettres Hollins]

Sometimes when we are going through things in our marriage, we are completely focused on what is wrong with our husband.

We go to God with lengthy prayers about what he needs to do to fix our husband. We rehearse his flaws, what he has done wrong. Sometimes, we even give God a timeline and remind him how long we have been waiting for him to fix our husband.

But….what if….that’s not what God wants you to focus on??

What if God wants you to focus on you….and your flaws….and you being the wife he created you to be?

“If he would be a better husband, then I could be a better wife.”

I hear you, my sister.

But, think about this for a second.

Every single time I visit my family doctor, we have the same conversation. She gives me a list of things I need to be doing for my health. She fusses about my blood pressure being too high and threatens to put me on meds if I don’t get myself together. We go over all my family history, and what can happen to me if I don’t do right. I always promise to do better and come up with an amazing plan to improve my health. Unfortunately, I don’t always stick with it. Which is exactly why we keep having the SAME conversation.

Let me ask you a question.

Does my inability to do right make her less of a doctor? No.

Does she now say, “I can’t be a good doctor to my patients because they won’t do what I tell them to do.” Nope.

She goes right along and continues to be an amazing doctor. Her status is not based on who I am. Her status is based on who she knows she is. She is a doctor no matter what.

The same applies to you as a wife.

You are a wife no matter what.

What if God wants you to shift your focus off your husband’s flaws and instead seek God regarding you being the wife he created you to be? What if God wants you to allow him to heal those broken areas of your heart that prevent you from loving the way you desire to love?

Are you willing to let go and trust God again?

I encourage you to take a deep look within and seek God so that he can begin the healing process in you.

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Hey Beautiful! I’m Arrettres Hollins, the founder of Connecting Love And Marriage and The Ultimate Wives Club. I help wives that are struggling in their marriage communicate more effectively, resolve conflict faster and reconnect with their husband. As a guest on this post, I would like to offer you an exclusive offer. **For a limited time only, join my FREE 30 Day Ultimate Wives Challenge. Click this link for details. Please know that I am praying for you, your husband and your marriage. I believe in YOUR MARRIAGE and what God is about to do for you!

What Churches Get Wrong about Sex

God does not hate sex. Let me repeat that just so there isn’t any confusion. God does not hate sex. You may be wondering why I am opening with this line. Well, I’ll tell you why. Almost everything I learned from well-meaning Christian adults led me to believe that God hated sex. And not only that, but that He likely condemned all people who even thought about sex. Does that sound like an exaggeration? Allow me to clarify why I don’t believe it hyperbolic to say so. Here are some of the things I learned from my years of being a church-goer:

• Christians should be ashamed of their nakedness.
• Girls are responsible for boys’ lust.
• Boys only want one thing from girls.
• Boys won’t marry girls who aren’t virgins.
• Girls who masturbate are no longer virgins.
• Girls who use tampons are no longer virgins.
• Boys cannot control their sexual impulses.
• Sex is only enjoyable for men.
• Sex is supposed to be painful for women.
• Masturbation is a sin.
• Good girls don’t have sexual thoughts.
• Hand-holding and kissing always lead to the sin of lust.
• Sex is shameful and shouldn’t be discussed.
• Questioning your sexuality is a sin.
• Sex equals venereal diseases and unwanted pregnancies.
• Girls who show skin cause boys to sin.
• Pleasurable sex is sinful, even in marriage.
• Any sexual activity before marriage makes you a whore or a slut.
• However, boys will be boys and they’re just falling into temptation.
• Any sexual activity before marriage will ruin you for your future spouse.
• Boys just pretend to love girls for sex.
• Girls will give into sex just so they can be loved.
• Husbands enjoy sex while wives only tolerate it.
• No one needs to “learn” anything about sex.
• Sex is bad, so save it for the one you marry.
• If it feels good it’s probably a sin.

Do any of these inaccuracies resonate with you? If so, you’ve been done a harmful disservice. I’m here to offer you some radical news. None of the above statements are Biblical. And, if you disagree, I encourage you to dig into Scripture and send me the proof text. I’ll be happy to clarify.

Not only did God author sex, He created our bodies to perfectly enjoy sex. Case in point, the entire Song of Solomon in the Bible. It’s one of the loveliest, most arousing, and most explicitly sexual books of Holy Writ. It is a perfect outline for desire between lovers. If you’ve never read it, I encourage you to do so.

Why are boys and girls (males and females) treated so differently by Christian thought when it comes to sex? I would argue that it has more to do with cultural conditions and decades-long religious repression than any true Biblical context.

Consider Genesis 5:1-2 “When God created mankind, he made them in the likeness of God. He created them male and female, and he blessed them and called them ‘humankind’.”

Consider Galatians 3:28. “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

If we are all created in the likeness of God and we are all one in Christ, why the double standard when it comes to men and women and the Church’s attitudes about sex? 

It isn’t only the Bible that tells us, but also science that has proven, men and women often experience sex in different ways. But neither science nor biblical interpretation should be placing the onus or pressure of and for sex on one person in a relationship. Neither excuse double standards. And neither promote that sex isn’t or shouldn’t be about pleasure and enjoyment.

Rather, God’s perfect will is that sex will unite the two as one flesh (in Genesis 2:24 and again in Matthew 19:5 and again in Mark 10:8, oh, and again in Ephesians 5:31). How many times does this fact need to be reiterated in Scripture to make the point? God wants us to become one flesh. You’ll notice it is not God’s design that the two become one mind or even one spirit. No, the two are to become one flesh — via sex.

Why? Because God’s desire is that the sexual union will bring a very deep knowledge between both partners, so much so that they become one. The Hebrew word used for “know” in Genesis 5:2 [“And Adam knew Eve…”], is yada, which implies a very intimate and deeply personal relationship. This is the same Hebrew word used when God says about Abraham, “I know him,” and when David begs the Lord to “know me.”

So, I encourage you to peek at the list at the beginning of this post again and see if any of it promotes the promise of a mutually pleasing, deeply loving, and vulnerable relationship for Christian men and women who may one day join together in marriage.

To learn more about my personal misconceptions as a young Christian, check out my video, 3 Misconceptions I Believed as a Young Christian.

 

 

 

 

Facts about Masturbation

For the record, masturbation is totally natural — and yes, it is “normal” to masturbate, whether you’re sexually active in a relationship or not. Thanks to modern science (by way of 3-D imaging ultrasounds), we have proof that even unborn babies touch their genitals in utero. Whether or not the unborn touch their genitals for pleasure is still up for debate; however, there is significant evidence that infantile and very young children do touch themselves for pleasure — not sexual pleasure, per se, but certainly because it feels good. And why shouldn’t it? Our bodies and our sexuality are both God-given gifts.

Unfortunately, there are myriad myths meant to scare you into thinking masturbation is wrong or sinful. They’re actually scare-tactics left over from a bygone era. If you haven’t seen my video which dispels common masturbation myths, you may watch it here.

If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation, especially for religious reasons, you may find some helpful information here. If you’re unsure about finding your pleasure zones for masturbation, be sure to check out my article on Searching for Your Buried Pleasure here.

Not only is masturbation completely natural, masturbation even has these potential health benefits:

• releases sexual tension
• relieves muscle tension
• eases headaches
• relieves menstrual cramps
• reduces stress and anxiety
• helps you sleep better
• improves your self-esteem and body image
• helps treat various sexual problems
• strengthens the muscle tone in your pelvic floor (which supports your bladder, uterus, and anal area)

Masturbation, whether solo or with your partner (i.e., mutual masturbation), can also significantly improve your love life. It allows you to both be vulnerable with one another in a loving way, which always improves communication with a trusted loved one. Learning your pleasure points and those of your lover is also a terrific way to communicate intimately with your lover and help you both bring more pleasure to one another during lovemaking.

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO ENJOY YOUR BODY AND YOUR SEXUALITY.

 

What is Intimacy and Relationship Coaching?

What is Intimacy and Relationship Coaching?

Similar to life coaching, intimacy and relationship coaching is a process that aims to assist clients by helping them to work towards and achieve their personal and/or relationship goals. Unlike a general life coach who may assist their client with organizational skills or weight loss, a coach who focuses on intimacy and relationships typically specializes in the more intimate areas of familial relationships which could include passion, partnerships, and, yes, sex.

… passion, partnerships, and, yes, sex.

Why Would I Want to Work with an Intimacy and Relationship Coach?

A professional relationship coach is skilled in asking effective questions that can help their clients have a better understanding of their own relationship and/or sexual objectives.

Isn’t Intimacy and Relationship Coaching Really Just Therapy?

No. I would refer anyone who is dealing with serious repercussions from deep sexual trauma to seek counsel with a medical professional or licensed sex therapist.

Intimacy and relationship coaches are neither sexologists nor psychotherapists. Most coaching clients are healthy, successful people from all walks of life who are likely just a bit stuck or simply want to add new dimensions to their love lives or clarity in familial relationships and want the support of a coach to do so.

Therapy is analogous to a medical doctor trying to cure an “ailment” (from a pathological perspective), assuming the patient is in need of fixing (e.g., through psychotherapy or prescription drugs). On the other hand, my coaching assumes that clients are whole, resilient beings who are simply in need of informed, educational options and a supportive advocate.

Couldn’t I Just Talk to my Best Friend Instead of Hiring an Intimacy and Relationship Coach?

Of course, you can; but, best friends are seldom trained professionals in the same areas of intimate and/or sexual relationships as coaches. Rarely are best friends able to offer truly objective insights about your love and/or sex life. It isn’t unusual for friends to fear their honest opinions may hurt your feelings, or worse, jeopardize your friendship.  In a client-coach relationship, you as the client, are in charge. You set your own goals. You set the coaching session(s) agenda.  You make your own decisions. An authentic coach does not have any hidden agendas.

Oh, My God: Sex and Spirituality

POST-DATED EDIT: To view this previously recorded video at O.school, please visit the link here.

If you’ve ever felt shame about your sexuality from a religious institution, my upcoming live stream is for you.

“The purpose of having a relationship with a higher power, is not shame and condemnation,” says faith and sexuality expert, Micki Allen. “It is about love, freedom and an abundant life. That includes your sexuality and your sensuality.”

Email your story or questions to have Micki share in the free live stream at O.school on Wednesday, September 12th. Email to submit@o.school.